Tuesday 10 February 2009

Stout benevolence

Weighing up what to go for down the Indian snack aisle at Tesco earlier this week, I heard an unfamiliar voice come from over my shoulder asking: 'Where do they keep the booze in this place?'

I looked round and standing there was a small goateed bloke wearing a black tracksuit, baseball cap, and quizzical eyes. He was with a friend, a bigger man who didn't say anything. I sensed a Pinky and the Brain dynamic.

'It's all over there mate', I said, and pointed them in the right direction. Small goatee man then spontaneously showed me what he was holding.

'Bruv, listen, look at this', he said, and revealed a tub of Swedish Glace Smooth Vanilla Ice Cream he'd picked up from the freezer area. 'This is the best ice cream money can buy'. In all fairness, it did look classy.

'I bet it's the most expensive as well', I said.

'Nah mate, its £1.80 in Costcutters, only £1.55 here.' Then, again unprompted, he proclaimed: 'Listen, take a tub of this, a can of draught Guinness, and three spoonfuls of Horlicks, you know, that malt drink... mix it up in a blender, and it comes out beautiful. The best thing you'll ever taste.' He looked so proud, as if he'd just won Masterchef, and wore a smile from ear to ear.

'Ah, sounds tasty, cheers for that', I nodded. 'Hope you enjoy it man.'

With that, him and his friend headed off towards the alcohol section to pick up their Guinness.

About 30 seconds later, I bumped into them again in the breakfast/teabag aisle whilst I pondered which cereal I'd have that week. They'd obviously got lost again. 'It's just round there mate', my hands were full with different cereal boxes so I motioned with my head, and they scampered away. Good guys.

Lo and behold, I encountered the pair yet again at the robotic self-service check-outs. They were putting their stuff through the scanner, but unfortunately Tesco don't allow you to split apart multipacks of beers so they had to do without the Guinness for the time being (they only wanted one can - which was strange because there were two blokes - were they sharing the drink? - and for the record it was the second, silent man who seemed to be in charge of the money, I noticed he pulled a fat wad of twenties out of his wallet). They got hold of the ice cream, at least.

On their way out they saw me and nodded goodbye, and so off they went, back into the starlit night of their sweet cocktail universe.

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Time passed, and I couldn't stop thinking about this recipe I'd so inexplicably chanced upon. So. a few days later I gave in, bought a blender and tried it out for myself. The results were surprising. It actually tastes great. The ice cream gives the drink a sweet velvet texture, with the Horlicks adding a malty edge. For an extra kick add a good glug of Tia Maria to the mix. (My mate Rob took it a step too far and added a spoon of peanut butter, which doesn't mix properly with the beer.)

If you're wondering what any of this has to do with samosas or fastfood, I initially bumped into those fellas around the samosa/bhaji/pakora shelf in Tesco. They must have been really lost. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. If you haven't read it but still made it this far, you've obviously just skipped to the end... but cheers anyway.


Tesco Metro, Stroud Green Road, Finsbury Park